Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
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me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination