My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
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A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
Hit me in the face with a bird
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.