A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
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My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
🍛
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
God has left this place
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution