I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
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If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
Stop being racist to kettles.
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.