Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
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tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
the noise i just made
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?