if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
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All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
fr
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
Grow up never but we old may grow we
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea