We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
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Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.