why I oughta
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Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
you will never know the true number of layers
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?