HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
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All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.