going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
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[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
time machine? you mean a clock?
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.