Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
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they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
my fav colour is also hitler
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime