I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
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I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3