Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
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we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
What even happened today?
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
I want to meet the individual who made this
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
Pickled cat.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.