My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
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Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower