The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
You Might Also Like
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.