I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
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FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?