Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
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idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos