“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
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There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.