Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
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THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”