alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
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INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
and this one
What personal space?
My dog
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.