can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
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the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult