Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
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Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile