If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
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Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
It be like that sometimes 😆
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.