me talking to family:
βΆπββββββββ 00:02me talking to friends:
βΆ πββββββββ 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix βPopplesβ series & live action Flintstones movies:
βΆ πββββββββ 1:54:28
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My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
Iβve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me whoβs on it!
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reeseβs
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Thereβs always that one guy
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
Thatβs just how Julius Caesar.
Itβs the βroaring 20sβ again so Iβm going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I donβt understβitβs 2:15, you canβt have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, Iβm threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
They’re not wrong
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
β i donβt like taylor swift β π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?