If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
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When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
Made something I’m not proud of
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way