I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
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Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.