People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
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‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
Finished stitching this today 😇
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now