*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
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Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does