If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
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[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
this FaceApp is creepy af
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere