Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
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My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.