Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
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Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”