If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
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cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
*3.5 thank you very much.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
The 6 types of sex
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem