what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
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after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
My dryer is celebrating lint.
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.