my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
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I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
Why do meteors always land in craters?
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
Best spot.. 😅
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
they split up moments later
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.