If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
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“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
this will hang in the louvre one day
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.