My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
You Might Also Like
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
Bed should get ready for ME
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.