Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
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You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”