“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
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Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like