whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
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As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
What’s so funny?
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good