If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
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*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me: I want you to do some chores.
8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.
Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.