Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
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I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?