HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
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first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
U talkin 2 me?
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife