Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
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Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Cndnsd Mlk
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED