I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
You Might Also Like
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
this was the best i’ve ever seen
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.