Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
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Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.