*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
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Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
Going to church you guys need anything
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.