Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
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If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
cyclists
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
Ugh but profoundly
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.