[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
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Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.