Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
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Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
I would like even faster food.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
I’m dying louder than usual today.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
Breaking news:
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister