Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
You Might Also Like
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
shit just got real